Haven't been on here in too long, and as a result...

Back in Business

Currently Watching She's the Man (Widescreen Edition) By Amanda Bynes, Channing Tatum, Laura Ramsey, Vinnie Jones, David Cross (II), Julie Hagerty, Robert Hoffman, Jonathan Sadowski, Alex Breckenridge, Amanda Crew, Jessica Lucas (II), Brandon Jay McLaren, Clifton MaCabe Murray, James Snyder, James Kirk, Emily Perkins, Robert Torti, Lynda Boyd, John Pyper-Ferguson, Katie Stuart see related

Being One of the Boys vs Being "A Girl"

I had the BIGGEST reality check of my entire life on Thursday during a talk with Shelley.  Totally bizarre.

I kinda wanted to blog about it, but it's not myspace appropriate.  It could be, but I have a feeling the people that would read it wouldn't know what to think.  And sometimes it's better to keep contemplative reflection on the low.

So here is the issue.  For pretty much as long as I could remember, I've been "one of the boys".  I'm not necessarily boy-ish, I just wasn't viewed as "hot" and being an athlete, I hung out with boys as much as girls.  It wasn't weird.  It was a boys coming over at 11pm on a saturday to watch cartoon network with me kind of thing.  It didn't occur to me that that isn't how guys view me now.  And, apparently they don't.  I am as far from one of the guys as you could get in a lot of their eyes, and I just don't get it.

I could still outsprint (unless you have a lot of heighth on me, cuz that's an unfair advantage), outjump, out-pretty much anything, most guys.  I know how to change a tire, check oil, use a drill, plunge a toilet, etc.  I can do lots of "boy" things...  My love of the color pink and other girl habits are a manifestation of my rebellion of the stereotype that good athletes are manly.  As an athlete, and one of the boys, I wanted to still have my girl side.  I'd compete with ribbons in my hair.  And yes, if I'm going out, I'm going to wear heels.  But that doesn't mean I'm a different species of human.

Just because I may wear polka dots or ribbons or heels doesn't mean I can't use a beer bong like a champ.  Idk...  In some ways I'm glad to know that I was wrong about how boys view me because suddenly so much makes sense now, but it's such as HUGE surprise to me that I'm not sure how to deal with it.  It's not that there's anything that I can do, but it's hard not to be disappointed. 

It's like a vote of underestimation.  If you're one of the boys, you can be treated like a human.  The boys aren't afraid to call each other, they'll invite each other to do stuff w/o a second thought.  You in your underwear or changing clothes- not an issue.  If you're just a girl to the boys though...  It's different.  Suddenly they're not all comfortable around you, they feel the need to give you their bed if you crash at their place, physical contact is bad because "they can't handle it" or "don't want to put themselves in that position."  Suddenly you're something to be bragged about, discussed...  If you have to change clothes and you're "a girl", not only will a guy who views you that way not just turn around, they'll leave the room.  Compared to being one of the boys, it's bizarre.

When you have a personality and you're one of the boys, it's nothing notable.  If you're "a girl", and it's discovered you have a personality, or maybe just a brain, suddenly you're "cooler than hell."  Really?  Because maybe you think I'm cute you don't expect me to have a sense of humor?  Seriously?

I'm frustrated.

Currently Listening I'm Not Dead By Pink U + Ur Hand see related

Dangerous

I am bored.  Not just bored, but bored out of my mind bored.  I pretty much never get bored, but when I do, i'm ASTOUNDINGLY bored.  This kind of boredom is dangerous.  It's dye my hair bored.  It's a good thing I'm on duty, or I would definetely see about getting some hair dye.  Just dark brown- I'm not that dangerous.  My brown is fading and it could use some oomph.  Maybe I'll shower (since I only do that when I'm bored) and use self tanner and flatten my hair and do my nails.  I don't like doing any of those things but I'm bored enough to do it.  Then I'll look cute for tomorrow, tomorrow being Thursday.  ...Something fantastic better be happening Thursday. 

RA life has been busy and stressful.  It's midterm time, but I took mine already.  It's like the calm before the storm or something- and I just might lose my mind and create my own storm.  Not in a bad way, but I definetely need to get dressed up and do something fun tomorrow.  I sat in the library today.  And I didn't even have HOMEWORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That was a terrible terrible idea, and my day has been boring ever since.

I think the term is burn out.  I am BURNT OUT.  Holy cow.  It's bad.

Don't get too excited...

I can't believe it's been since January when I wrote on here.  I probably shouldn't write on here when I'm trying to stay awake, I end up typing things I want to delete when I see them later.  Here I am again, though, trying to stay awake.  It's not late at all, barely past 11pm, but I am so tired.  I'm an RA in campus housing here, and I have 2 sets of rounds to go before I can go to sleep.

Just finished my first week of classes, and my schedule is disastrous and no where near complete.  I haven't unpacked since I moved in 3 weeks ago...  Imagine living out of 5 boxes.  There is clothing and school materials everywhere.  It'd be nice if I could say that something exploded, if there was a legitimate reason for the mess, but I can't.  I've just been too busy, and when I'm not busy, I'm too exhausted to do anything, let alone think about organizing.  The fact that I've gone a month without doing any laundry is barely short of amazing.  I still have clean undies left, so I have a while to go in that aspect, but unless I want to start wearing thermal shirts to class, it's nearly time. 

That is an exaggeration.  I'm prone to exaggeration when I pontificate on here.  I don't know why.  Maybe it's because there's no one to tell me that I'm not telling the truth.  It is an exaggeration that I have nothing left but thermal shirts.  I have plenty of sorority shirts left, workout shirts (which I can get away with wearing since I'm a kinesiology major), and other shirts, but I do have a good 4 or 5 thermal shirts, also.  I like my exaggerating.  In real life, there's people to tell me, "No, that cockroach was NOT the size of an orangutang, nor was it the size of a refrigerator."  I do wear glasses, but they're not the kind that magnifies.  I know it's not literally that big, but it gets the point across that perhaps that cockroach was larger than necessary.

Maybe xanga is to sascha what journals are to...  people who write in journals.  I really like xanga-ing.  It allows me to focus solely on one thing thing- making coherent, possibly creative, statements.  Any thoughts of what asinine thing I did most recently are relegated to the recesses of my brain for the time being and I type nearly stream of consciousness, only not really, because I don't imagine that being logical.

I'm going to venture into vagueness for a bit.  I wonder if anyone really knows that they're making the right choices in life.  My theory is that people don't.  Rather than wonder if they've made the right choice, they make the choice that seems best short and long term, and then lie in the bed they've made.  What's to say what the right choice is long term, though?  No one knows what the future holds, and life as you know it may be on its side, and that right choice is now wrong.  (I lost myself there for a second with that sentence, but I'm back.)  Are stupid short term choices always stupid?  Can they every become smart?  Why is hindsight 20/20?  I just flashed on the fact that I've been in the same position now as I've been before.  My old old xanga posts from when I first began posting bear a resemblance in nature to this one- at least to this paragraph.  Will I always repeat myself?  Probably not.  Odds are, I'm just too tired.  When people get too old to drive, the DMV takes away their drivers license.  When I get too tired, someone should revoke my thinking license.

I'm going to go on rounds now.  I hope it's calm so I can go right to sleep for an hour or so before my last set.  If you read through this entire post, you're very cool.